God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind 2 Timothy 1:7
I find it amazing and sometimes very overwhelming, and, if I am honest, somewhat frightening how God works. How He points things out to me. He gets me digging deep, noticing things that He is doing, has always been doing, things that I haven’t been seeing or have been too busy to take notice of. When I slow down and really take the time to notice and hear what He is pointing out it’s great stuff and I am amazed and think, “Yup, I can do this… this is good stuff.” Then SLAM! Just when I thought I was somewhat clear about things – excited about the extra in my ordinary day – just right then, like shortly after I wrote about the extraordinary in every day on my own blog – the extra came. But it did not come all lovely and yellow butterfly landing on the lavender bush outside my window while I write lovely and extraordinary. Instead it came slamming loud and ugly into everything that I thought I knew, everything I thought I had done well or at least okay for the most part. It came slamming hard and heavy leaving me wondering where I messed up, leaving me empty and raw and feeling somewhat like a fool.
My point is that just when I think I understand and have a pretty good handle on things at this end something happens and I realize I don’t. It’s when these kind of things happen that I wonder where I went wrong, why I didn’t see what I am sure everyone else around me saw and knew and was just waiting for me to see and know. I just plain wonder why and that wondering exhausts me.
And this is where I find my soul right now, feeling tired and worn and it is with this tired and worn soul that I will walk through the doors to the Women’s Retreat with one expectation only – that God will meet me right here, in this tired and worn out place I am in. I won’t make any promises of how I will receive Him. I know that there may be deep sighing and tears that come from some very deep and real places. I know I will thank God that He never changes, always knows what’s around the corner and because of that knowing, He knows exactly what I will need. And, it is all this that is really the extraordinary part of God, extraordinary to me, these moments that I don’t see coming that if asked I would rather they not come, it’s these moments that remind me that He is an extraordinary God who loves me regardless of what I know and don’t know. Who loves my children regardless of what they have done and have not done. He just plain loves and forgives us.
This love, it picks me up right where I was slammed down and the doubts crept in. This love, it revives my soul.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will revive me; you will stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies and your right hand will save me. Psalm 138:7