It was Sunday morning at the retreat. I sat in my chair silent as the beautiful sound of women worshiping God surrounded me. There are few moments in my life that compare to this in my book. I sat WANTING God and asking him what was getting in the way. I thought of a few specific things that had been convicting my heart throughout the weekend. Then I began to ask God, what is the root sin that connects these here and now, tangible struggles I continue to battle? Comfort, comfort, comfort. Again I sat in silence as I let it soak in. My biggest hindrance to wanting only God is my need for comfort.
Looking back at life I now see how I have run when I am put outside my comfort zone. I ran from God in my late teens because it was uncomfortable for me to stand firm for Jesus when everyone around me was enjoying a different style of life. I run from God when I make mistakes and sin because it is uncomfortable for me to be wrong. I want to run from a deep calling and desire to adopt, because we are not in a comfortable season of life to do so. I say things like, “Later I will do it when the timing is better” or, “I am going to choose this for my family now, because it sounds easier with everything else we have going on”. What if I followed God and was obedient when I heard Him call, without the fear of being uncomfortable?
I want my heart to shout praise to Him whether I’m in the deepest valley or resting in green pastures. When I am in honest worship to God, is when I am at the most peace. It is in His presence alone that I should seek and find my strength. As a mom with little ones it is hard to find time to be in His word and prayer, but I will never give up solitude time with my savior, for He is the only one that can truly refresh me (For the love of Christ controls us… 2 Corinthians 5:14). I want His love to control my thoughts, heart, and actions.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
Everything now is about the future- eternity. So, therefore I truly don’t want my comfort. I was at the tide pools in Palos Verde recently and I took my son out on the rocks to show him all the beautiful sea creatures, which he loves by the way. The further out we got the more fear came over him. As many times as I told him to trust me, that I would not let him be in danger, he would not let his death grip and tears cease. He was not comfortable with the situation I had him in, even though my intention was to show him something beautiful. The more I thought about this moment the more God spoke to my heart reminding me that I am the same with Him. All I see when I am uncomfortable is the crashing waves that are way too close and I let my fear control me, instead of listening to Him tell me to just trust Him. Remember what I have done for you; I have given you a hope and a future, I love you even when you turn your back on me, I died for you when you didn’t even know my name. If you are going to want me, you are going to have to remember me (Lisa Whittle). If the now, right here in this moment is about the future, what God is preparing me for- eternity- I don’t want my comfort. I WANT GOD.